"I'm calling you up higher"

Today was not a good day. I sinned today... a lot. Go figure, I'm human. I'm not proud of it at all. In fact, I am ashamed at some of my outbursts, losing my temper, etc... God decided to use one of my most stressful days in a while to really reach out and whack me back into His plan for my life. I was listening to the song "Yes" that Anna did a mime to, and singing along with it, and I caught the meaning of one of the lines in it... "I'm calling you up higher". When I've heard this before, I've alway heard it as "get your act together, there's things I want to do with you. I want to take you to higher places than you are now." This time was different... this time I heard it as "I am calling you to a higher place of holiness with Me. I am holding you to a higher standard than those who do not hear My voice" It literally shook me... I laid in my kitchen floor and shook as I prayed for Him to restore my mind and my heart... I thought back to the young man giving his testimony while Eddie James was at New Vision, saying how every time he sinned, it was like he spat on Jesus and drove another nail into His hands, another stripe on His back... Every sin he committed was a slap in the face of the One who loved us so much that He gave up His spotless life for our filthy exisitence. (My paraphrase, not his actual words) When you come back to that thought, it makes you realize that it really is all about Him, and how we live our lives and present ourselves to society at large is how they see Him, and if we don't hold ourselves to that higher standard, then how can we expect the world to live up to them... it makes us no better than the Pharisees. Speaking of which, they, being the priests of their time, though they practiced more of their own traditions then it, still had a reverence for what God had commanded. Think about the priests of old, specifically the High Priest. Every year on the Day of Atonement, he would go into the Holy of Holies, knowing full well, even as he tied the rope around his ankle before walking in, that he may not walk back out. If there was any un-atoned for sin in his life, he was not walking out of that room. His corpse would be pulled out by the priests on the other side of the veil. They were serious when it came to being right before God, especially when going into His presence. The veil has been torn now, and we have the priveledge of always being before God and in His presence, so why should we treat it with any less seriousness than they did?

Once more again...

So I've tried this blogging thing several times, and never been any good at it. I keep up with it for a few weeks, then decide I don't want anyone to know what's going on with me, and quit using it. I really don't want to write this now, or start blogging period, but the Lord keeps telling me that I can't live in a bubble where I pretend everything's alright... Masks can only carry you so far. Not that there's anything drastic that I'm hiding, not as of late anyway.
So... I've been reading and doing a lot of studying lately, going over Jesus' miracles He performed in His time here on earth, and His comission to the disciples to heal the sick, raise the dead, free the demon-possessed... I long with the very essence and fiber of my being to see these things... They to me moved beyond the realm of what could happen, to what should be happening, and if I'm not seeing them, I'm not walking with God like I should be. The book of Acts does not end with an 'Amen'... we should still be writing it. It is the book of the Acts of the Apostles, and should have no ending until He returns in His Second Coming. It is coming to a point that it physically pains me to not see His miraculous works. This city is long overdue for an outpouring like it has not seen since the early 1900's. His presence is becoming so much more than just a 'feel good' thing to me... Going a day without spending time in His Glory pains me, like a piece of me has been cut out. I say all of this to wrestle with one point of contention I have had (or not had, technically) for many, many years... a wife. I know all things are in God's perfect timing, and this isn't a loneliness rant, but I came to a realization tonight. There is a girl at a restaurant I go to occasionally that is fairly cute. I watched her for a little bit tonight in the giddy way I do when I start crushing on someone... Then when I got into my car, I started thinking... I am finally beginning to get a place with God where I feel like I am being more than a sideline Christian... I am finally finding boldness to step out and share His Gospel with people. I am praying for people and *expecting* the miraculous to happen. I am hearing His voice clearer than I ever have before... I cannot afford a relationship right now with anyone but Him... He is my everything. He is the very air I breathe. A long time ago He asked me what I would do to follow Him. I told Him I would give up all that I was and all that I had if He would use me for His Glory. I didn't understand what was going on at the time, and this isn't a defeatist statement saying I'll never get married, because it has been prophesied by *many* people that I trust, but I told Him at that time that if I had to give up any and every opportunity to ever marry or raise a family, if that was what it would take for me to follow Him, then I would...

I still would. Him and His presence are all I truly want.

God Bless you all,
Eric